Cabin Fever

Cabin Fever

I am having a horrible time processing the new normal that is the new normal. I use this app to monitor my personal morale called Daylio (not sponsored in anyway because I am no one but hier) and today I realized I hadn't used it in five days. That is my longest opposite "streak" of inactivity as the sole purpose of the app is to track my emotions on a day to day basis. Now I can play catch up as I have some semblance of no routine and constant complaining. But the app is really unappreciative of me ignoring it for days on end. It isn't notifying me of this absence (I turn all that shit off anyways) but when I do update it after doing forensics via my texts, receipts and screen time it pretty much says thanks for trying but you still haven't been forthcoming as the shit happens to you real time. Sorry. I am sorry Mr. iOS app that I am so insufferable with the current state of affairs that my mind goes into a literal k-hole where I actually neglect my smartphone. But seriously I have no idea where the days and nights go. I have been cooking a lot, rage baking too, listening to podcasts, gardening of all things (I have a black thumb) ((garden is now destroyed thanks to a random tropical storm)) (((leeks, tomatoes and dill all over the yard in 2021))), playing UNO with my resident boomer (yes I am still trapped in my mothers house in the States), buying things online and contacting my strong friends just to be blown off. I am seldom checking my social media and I am not coming here. I have to be honest. I am neglecting these spaces because my life has been put on hold which affects my short and long term goals, my digital footprint and overall outlook on life. I would like to get out but I am equally annoyed going out as well. The mask thing is driving me crazy. I am tired of people breaking the rules. I really do not enjoy the clinical experience of getting takeout/takeaway right now. I fucking hate Zoom but here we are. This weather really doesn't help with my disposition as well. And then there is trying to be an attentive spouse while 6000 miles away. You can only act supportive for so long. I am trying. I long for the days of leaving my house without a care in the world and feeling satisfied with nothing. I mean truth be told not much has changed as I was a shut in most of the time anyways. But now even when I escape I am still very much isolated in my escape. This is truly the definition of cabin fever as I cannot get out no matter how much I try. And to the bitch who runs the Black expat group I am in on Facebook who took it upon herself to wake up at 5am during a fucking global pandemic in a place rife with problems just to say for those who cannot manage in the states or abroad maybe it is you. You know what? You are one of the main ones who live in the bubble that is positivity. Right now my negativity fits all over the planet so fuck you you reverse colonizer. I am doing the best I can albeit I do have a pretty miserable time everywhere forever. This was supposed to be my happy place and now it is just ruined with soundbites, think pieces and awful lil pick me's like her. I'll get back at this thing called being me ... passive aggressive, creative, Switzerland, full of evil vigor ... vielleicht.