Finding The Right People

Finding The Right People

I never wanted to cross the brutal subject of friend making in Germany. At least not head on with an obvious blog post. I personally do not want people flocking to my site for "tipps" on how to create relationships with people who just do not want any. The irony is I am married to a German but guess what he really doesn't actively make friends. He has colleagues and school friends like most Germans aka friends for life and there is no need for anyone else outside of a spouse. And generally native spouses share the same or similar friend circles as people seldom move or transition from their hometowns or placed schools. I see this as a homeschooled, non-secular type of socialization where once that child is free it is them against the world. The only refuge from the outside is religion, escape from religion or peers who were sheltered in the same way. In the states, people avoid these types because it is very hard to penetrate their circles and to be frank, these types lack the proper social skills to engage with heathens. So they are typically left out of social gatherings where they can meet new people. And I want to believe this is the problem here but I also have to be open to putting myself out there to actually find out. 

When I first came I sought friendships through expat meetup groups. I didn't want to be surrounded by au pairs and old vets so I looked into InterNations. I expected it to be somewhere in between a Toastmakers and Alcohol Anonymous. What it turned out to be is a PG Adult Friend Finder complete with unwanted emails and pay walls. No seriously it was more geared to busy professionals who liked going to occasional paid mixers to "network". I just wanted someone to accompany me to the mall. In lieu of an actual Meetup which I feel is a potluck with too many salads I looked into established international membership groups. I expected fellowships of sorts with women who did acts of service and went on day trips together like sip & paints or goat yoga. These groups were primarily made up of white women from middle America or the U.K. and typically the same woman ran several local chapters making it impossible to avoid certain types. The Facebook groups are all over the place and the majority of these people are satisfied with picnics in public parks aka more soggy salads in greasy Tupperware. I guess going for brunch and out to have cocktails was just too much to ask. I settled on going to curated events where I would take the initiative to introduce myself to people I thought would be interesting. This has gotten me a lot of phone contacts and nothing more. Recently, I even had to face the fact that my Facebook, personal or business, would remain empty because of my lack of friends. I had to re-write the HTML code on this site and remove the Facebook button. Facebook will probably erase my account due to the sheer lack of activity because I have no friends, not even fake friends. 

I have no friends. I mean I really have none. 

When I left I had about a solid five even though three of them I wasn't actively communicating with. But I did believe I had found the right people. It wasn't my tribe but a nice mix of individuals that met all my personal needs. I had someone to cook with, another to eat with, one who would drink with me, another to talk to and one good all around one where we trusted each other enough to come over to each others house. I thought I was reciprocating the vibes. I felt good chemistry. I saw it all of the people as consistent participants in my life and me in theirs. Well several moved, one just doesn't continue out text thread and a few have gotten pregnant or so they say. And I have abandoned plenty of healthy friendships in the past over crotch fruit so I feel I have dodged not one but two fetuses. I am sorry but there are no babies in loud music in dive bars over sixers. I do not feel completely abandoned by these people because relationships go both ways. I went to US and I really didn't explain that. I also never informed people that my number was temporarily changed. And as one of them put it I wasn't congratulatory about their pregnancy when I found out. Well that one likes to tell a lot of crude jokes and play games so I thought she was joking. I offered her a gift and then the superstition tangent began. I really miss hearing where these bitches are registered at so I can do my part and then disappear. I know right;  I really do not deserve any human connection. 

So down to zero with no school, or job and a pandemic has left me tied to maintaining vampire hours to act friendly towards my east and west coast Murican' friends. And those relationships are so strained as is because of abandonment and distance. I wanted to build some healthy, long-lasting friendships here and not be pulling for straws with people in different time zones. Lately, I am really horrible with staying up all night or waking up early to be interested in a FaceTime call. I would much prefer for people to be here and be alert when I am alert. I am at a loss right now because I cannot even go to events to try to meet new people as there are no events to be had. I keep going into forums waiting for a good opportunity to introduce myself to someone near me but the last time I tried that I had someone report and troll me. And I have already spent a great deal of time befriending women who refused to meet people outside of a public place. I totally get that for a first date but meeting another woman really doesn't require rendezvous points or a surprise spouse. I feel like the entire point of befriending someone is to get away from boyfriends and husbands. I slowly ghosted the people who kept just dragging their spouses to things. Isn't that ironic? Being nervous to meet someone because they may be dangerous only for me to show up expecting to drink apple martinis and instead shockingly be introduced to a brooding Kevin who keeps interrupting the flow of conversation and eating everything.

So I am back to the drawing boards and they are blank. 

I have had women follow me around in the local beauty supply store asking me to do their hair. I am not a hairstylist but maybe I could go there and pretend to be to meet a new friend or two. And I have thought about faking it in terms of knowing how to do braids. I figured anything to find like minded people. I would gladly botch someone hair for free in exchange for good conversation and the sound of a non-Deutsch voice. Even my husband has encouraged this type of thing. At the end of the day I want to find a good team of diverse and easy friends who could be global citizens or round away girls. I just want to create a circle of people I can rely upon and we can enjoy each others company. I have only felt that level of inclusion once at the beginning of my short lived mini job I was told he knew everyone and he would let me into their inner sanctum. I never heard of or saw those people again in the same way I never saw an actual contract or paycheck. You win some and you lose an entire imaginary team of Black American movers and shakers who would welcome me in with open arms. I have never seen that so I bet it doesn't exist in the same way the job doesn't anymore. Either way he described a hidden Wakanda were these people had money, lived in the same viertal and did everything together. If you have see a pack of shiny, happy Black people originally from the tri-state area please let me know. 

Outside of one afternoon for tea and fried chicken I seriously haven't spoken to a single other person outside of my husband in over a month. I can't even communicate with my mother in law.

Like I just want a restaurant to tell me and my seven friends we have to wait for them to put together some tables. I want someone to tell me my ass looks great 5011 times while we try on a lot clothes we don't plan on buying at Zara. I want to consume an entire bottle or two of champers in the company of others under a blacklight. I want a reason to go to Ikea for good dinner napkins and cheap glasses for a dinner of broken spaghetti and bagged salad. Now I kinda sorta regret not befriending the park picnic crew. Looks as if those types are living their best lives, social distancing, dancing and eating unwashed grapes. I was even envious of seeing three girls walking together in the pouring rain yesterday. I imagined at least one of those girls contested getting wet like that but to fit in and keep from being a cat lady like me she persevered. They looked to be off to pizza or döner. They were all wearing the same scheme of colors. There was a lot of laughter and the linking of arms to cross the street by the Moshee. They could have all been named Heather and killing each other later on but I was silently seething in the passenger seat of our car. I want to wear rose gold accessories and high waist jeans too! I want to share a 1L glass bottle of Coke too! I want to stand in the middle of the fucking street and talk for an hour too! I want to pretend to be alone on the train and then magically go live to a world wide web of friends.

But no I am eating crackers and frischekäse at 1:24 in the morning and planning to shop at the Hit in the morning with my hubby who is sleep and tired of me sneaking out of bed to create a life online. 

 

Bah Humbug!