Germany is Not Suitable for Everyone and Everyone is Not Suitable for Germany

 

Germany is Not Suitable for Everyone and Everyone is Not Suitable for Germany

And only the wurst has two ends... there is a never-ending cycle of people coming to this country looking for exact experiences. They want what they saw on television. They want what they read about on the internet. They want what someone told them. However, everything you saw, read and talked about are the experiences of others. There is no right or wrong way to do this. What happened last week has now changed. Your German friend or spouse is at home and they cannot hold your hand everywhere you go. At some point you have to pull the newspapers off the windows, put on clothes and go outside whether it be for milk, eggs and bread or for a job. You have to get out there and indeed it sucks. Unfortunately, language alone is going to wipe that all off the slate. You have to feel it. You have to want it. You have to be honest about your needs and wants. I am honest with myself every single day. I want to be elsewhere but I need to stay here. I sought no experience or exactness so I am far from disappointed and trust I have been outside wearing my armor so I know how bad it really is. I have realized that there is simply nothing that can prepare you for this country other than being in it. And despite all the shit it kicks in your direction you just have to get pelted to figure it all out. 

You are right. Germany eats its young and its young remain hungry. You know the expression do not shit where you eat? ... Germany the fat, sloppy bitch that she is doesn't subscribe to that. She will shit on you and everyone will say you should be fulfilled. That entails being covered in shit and somehow distracted and delighted at out of context options like "free healthcare" and no open container laws. Yes, I am unhappy here but I should be happy because of x, y and z. Actually, there is no free healthcare here and I haven't drank a beer in a park since 2019. I have tried to wrap my head around moving from Köln to a tiny village. This is where I assumed my happiness was and has been waiting for me all this time. I had high hopes that being away from all would fulfill me. I would have a garden. I wouldn't have to be on the trains all day and night. The amt would be more reasonable. My husband would finally be able to relax. Our bills would be lower. Perhaps I would finally get a job and contribute to our household as well. But I brought the despair and pissed offdom with me. And it remains till this day two years later. There is nothing that truly moves me here. I do not feel safe or incentivized. But I do feel pressured to stick things out because home has really gone to shit. So when I compare the two, I make the choice and I repeat the mantra that I shouldn't shit where I eat. I adjusted. But not because I actually wanted to. Now I am a pig. I have to choose which place is better to roll and play in it. Germany is that place. 

In order to focus on my new found placement I abandoned my blog and I got a job. I was lucky as I found one when I wasn't looking and it is primarily in English. The job exhausted me so I stopped going to the gym which was helpful as a lowly housewife who stayed at home. So I gained some weight, lost some, and gained it all back and then some. But I also gained autonomy and I finally felt like I had a purpose again. I also had a voice where I could be heard in an interview, in a new setting. I was valuable and sought after. Germany had me in a deep, dark depression of thinking I was a nobody based on her stupid standards. I didn't have a Masters. I couldn't learn the language overnight. The clothes don't fit me. I hated the bread. But ja now I do have a garden. There are really good fans with remotes now. We have an ice maker which is like having a chicken that lays golden eggs. I now have the 49€ ticket. If I don't like the way Germany is treating me I can move closer to an edge of somewhere else and straddle the line of reality and escape. But I keep one foot in because I need not to pay three times my rent, or come up with a co-pay in every medical scenario, or concern myself that the apple is spliced with some other fruit I do not eat. Here I can live albeit unhappily but I cannot live at all back home. I cannot afford it. The Karens and Drump supporters do not want me there. And I can't build a garden without checking with management, the HOA or the city first. I had a salad from my backyard this week. If I tried that in the States, I could be shot and or get e.coli. I am exaggerating but I am being realistic. I feel like I am literally dodging a bullet staying here. But I am also strategizing what I can do to sustain while alive. I got so tired from always being in fight or flight mode. 

I have found an American shrink who sees me virtually. I now take an anti-depressant as well. I make sure I get sun and I subscribe to things like massages, face care and wine. Perhaps these are ways to cope or distractions that relax. It has been a little of the year and I am weening from seeing my therapist. I am beginning to settle in mind you five years plus after my arrival in Germany. I say all this to say that you too can and will slowly arrive at your purpose here. And it doesn't have to meet whatever expectations. It can be uncomfortable. It may take you far, far away from your ideal happy place. You will exceed your comfort level because eventually everyone does. What you do to expand or extend upon that one success is what is most paramount. You don't want to just get the job. You don't just want to just learn the language. You want to aspire to be yourself before you came to this cesspool.You want to fight for a quality of life you know you could never have where you came from. You want to draw a line on a sheet of paper and do the pros vs cons bit. But you also need to reassess that list every now and then. At first, I was unhappy about the bureaucracy. Then it became about the language or lack thereof. Then I became bitter over stupid shit like sourcing brown sugar or culantro. I also got baby fever which was short lived thanks to infertility in an infertile country (more on that to come). But eventually I found brown sugar. Finally I got the card that lasts through 2027. I work in a setting where I have around 300 children to charm me and I don't have to bring them home or on my vacations. What I wanted most of all is to be validated and I am now. I know where I fall and I finally feel free in German's high, impenetrable walls. Free to ignore. Free to fight back. Free to grow my own cilantro. Free to be Black. Free to go back home and see a real doctor. Free to get my clothes tailored. Free to cuss people out in Denglish - fuck how they feel it is about me. Free to be a suitable member of Germany society in my own way in a country that prides itself in suitability. Fuck her! I run my own life not a country that can fit inside of Texas. That suits me and I don't care about anything or anyone and anywhere else.