A Statement from the Void

A Statement from the Void

I have been indoors for thirteen long days despite the occasional dog walks and müll bin runs. This hasn't been the longest hiatus but the most strategic one. A homecoming wherein I cannot go to familiar places or interact. At first it was suffocating but now I have gotten comfortable. To emerge a half day early is my treat but strategically going out as well. No one cares that I stayed indoors to protect them. They instead want to know how I jumped from the oil direct into the fire. 

Racism. Dissonance. Unrest. 

It is everywhere but more so from where I came from. People never want to hear about how I managed to get here or how I am adjusting. People back home want to tell me what is happening. And ze Germans want to know how aware I am. And I guess my thought process is do they know what is happening here? And because I know all too well what is happening here day in and day out ... maybe I don't want to go outside after all?

Even with a mask I have been stared at and it is definitely because I am Black. But now if I go back to daily shopping, riding trains and dining out I am subject to more. I will be shoved. I will be prodded. I will be asked when I am going back home even in the company of my husband. I will be served a gigantic portion of food because that must be how I like it as a "fat" American. I will be given unsolicited Tonald Drump soundbites or asked about the latest midwestern natural disaster as if I know. I will be grilled on my educational background to see if I know basic math or geography. It is taxing to be an American in Germany and more so a Black woman on top of that. And I personally do not want to deal with any of it. I am not escaping anything. I am getting an entirely different level of racism here. And I generally just ask people to leave me out of it but that too comes off angry. So I cannot win.

So here is my statement. Water stays wet. I don't care how much global solidarity and cultural pandering anyone provides; the problems we face as Black people will still exist. I am glad certain laws, structures and companies are making strides to change. I am glad certain European nations are eliminating traditions and practices that were discriminatory and offensive. But this is all a long time coming and the poor martyr that lost his life had zero intentions of being just that. I hope he can rest knowing that he was the catalyst for more violence and damage. I hope his family is okay with his legacy being tarnished by chaos and scandal. I hope that people who are taking advantage of this moment are aware a human being was killed for their pettiness. And I really wish people would just let it all go because we shouldn't have to demand dignity for him or ourselves. It should be a natural, human response to allow people to be people. I don't know why we had to group certain people, oppress them for centuries and only appease their basic human rights once we avenge whoever is the latest to have fallen to unjust. 

I know that everyone is saying something to say something. To not make waves or be apart of the wave. But I have never been that girl. I realized at a very young age systems are built to create an order that we all were never meant to like. I also understood they could be dismantled at any time and by any one brave enough. I understand the duality of cause and effect. I understand the synergy of courageous people. But I am tired and I have seen this war of minds and civility clash over and over again. And my people before me and those before them all bore witness to it even if they were on the front lines squabbling for glimmers of change. I am not willing to sacrifice my mental health or general comfort to fight the good fight. I created this space to talk about it. This is my selfish outlet to keep from bottling up the micro aggressions and obtuseness. I hope to create a safe space for all especially so for Black and brown people, Ausländeren and Expats with like minds. I want to see this through my lifetime where after me people won't know what it is like to be pushed around based on skin color. But I know that is a lot to ask. For someone like me it is just too much to ask. 

I don't have any new diversity clause or changes to my mission. I am still here being me. And if you like my brown face telling it how it is or you don't ... good. Alas, water stays wet. The world keeps turning. This too shall past. Da steppt die Baer.