America, The Fucked


America The Fucked

These past few weeks have just been numbing. I never imagined things could get any worse. And as trouble arrises all over the world from North Korea, to Armenia and even here in Köln where infection numbers are rising and rules are changing - America is above all the dumpster fire of the world's turmoil. Sadly, as I look in from afar I am so fucking lost on the amount of fuckery that is occurring that I had to pull out a pen and pad to draw out a timeline. I honestly couldn't remember all of the horrors that happened as September closed and October began. And now at the midpoint of this month and weeks out from the 2020 Presidential election I have no hope for my former country. Governors are being kidnapped, sketchy judges are being appointed, anti-maskers (and vaxxers) run amuck and above all the country is just fucked. And for me marooned here in Germany after these past weeks I realize there is no returning for me ... not now or ever. Someone has got to take the high road. 

I have been threatening to go back to the States for medical tourism. I have just grown tired of lazy German doctors and the shit system of socialized healthcare here. But as I spit these words on deaf ears I know it is virtually impossible for me to do that. My own Hauspraxis doctor is begging me to reconsider and have him do his best to figure out my ailments. He isn't concerned about me going back home and getting Covid. He is more or less afraid of me falling into the cracks while my country is an unadulterated mess. How will I even get there? What if I cannot return? Won't I struggle to pay for basic care? How will I survive the political climate? What if Tonald Drump wins again? These are the questions this poor Turkish man asks me while furrowing his brow. My medical anomaly is less frustrating to him than my delusional venting about going back to America, The Fucked.  I am just torn with an American passport in my pocket which is losing its value daily. The longer I wait to make a decision on permanent residency, renouncing my citizenship etc. being an American becomes less and less desirable. And as things happen, continue and arise there are zero chances at me going back to what I once knew. And also as the sentiments for that place grow more and more disgusted I am afraid to open my mouth here. I am waiting for the day where because of America I won't be accepted anywhere. I guess I just thought if I can get back before the total demise it all won't be so bad. But it is bad whether I am there or not. Maybe I should use Germany as leverage to rise above the stigma of it all.

Even still my mother runs into friends and family who frowns at me, her daughter, being in Europe. They ask how could I walk away from the free country that is America. Most of these people support the big man on television and follow all the misinformation and lies as truth. They encourage her to act like there is no global pandemic, or civil unrest or basic lack of control there. They all seem to ignore the food insecurity, the voter suppression and the failed indictments of militarized and murdering police. They find fault with all the wrong things like calling a sitting president a clown during a debate or wishing to have a Supreme court justice that supports separation of government and women's bodies. And by the hour there is always more wood for the fire that is America burning its amber waves of grain. And the pinnacle, the mascot and rogue runner of all of is an infectious man who pays less taxes than us all and keeps promising to bring back eliminated jobs and support "the Blacks". It is shameful! And everyday I say he will be carted off to jail in handcuffs and the revolution will be televised but it never, ever happens. Not even when he misinforms a nation about a pandemic, doesn't pay taxes, runs businesses into the ground, sullied the presidency with scandal, incites racial violence, threatens to highjack the highest office if he is a sore loser, puts hundreds of political and security advisors at risk of infection and basically orchestrated a kidnapping & assassination plot all in less than 30 days. I couldn't even see it if it happened because he has walled himself in our nations capitol so that you cannot even look at the White House! It is just so unbelievable!

I sent my mother a particle mask yesterday. This is so she can go out for grocery and vote with peace of mind. I am asking that she hunker down in coming weeks not only to avoid the climate of a 2nd Wave or as many have called it the 4th Coronavirus wave in the States - but to avoid the teeming violence being threatened as Election Day draws near. People are afraid to mail their absentee ballots. People are afraid to vote early. People are frightened about violence on Election Day. People are scared of the what-ifs, the day after and if he doesn't surrender on inauguration day. And of course the biggest question of all is if that man wins by some freak accident or rigged count - how will Americans survive?  He is already dangling the next steps for Americans like a carrot for votes. He picks a new demo every day pandering and pleading for votes in exchange for a much needed second stimulus check, unemployment supplements, business loans, accessible jobs and low cost education. And sadly most Americans are vying on these carrots because they have lived off so little since the beginning of 2020. People are actually considering voting for him just to see if he might fulfill his promises. Promises he could never even keep if not re-elected and or backed by Congress. What a gullible show of desperation, from him and American citizens, as America is literally on its last leg. There is even rumor of people's government assistance checks bouncing. The mint is out of coins. The factories have no aluminum for cans. Storm season is out of control and threatening crops and food sources nationwide. But this man claims to have $500 billion to so-call bail out Black people with a "Platinum" plan?

I weep for the future. From way, way over here where there is plenty of toilet paper. Maske auf!