I wound up in the emergency room on an iconic date, December 21st. On the winter solstice which would be the longest day of the year. And that whole emergent visit to admittance was drawn out for as long as it possibly could. I cannot be sure when exactly when we arrived but I reset the time when they asked my husband to leave. And with his departure he took my coat and purse. So I was sitting there with a phone I couldn't charge and no way to leave. Granted I was there because I had an episode of extreme pain which was worse than the situation of being there. They gave me drugs. I needed those drugs. I was also in a private room for hours. Eventually some nurse no one seemed to know asked me to take a walk to whatever department clear across the hospital. I think I walked to edge of the fucking Earth. And when I arrived I realized I had no way of communicating what I was even there for. And of all things I was punished because I had gotten inside of some secure area that was supposed to be locked. I was told that I should have rung a doorbell. And with no real means to explain why I was there I was asked to go back to where I came from to find out. I was ultimately treated like I am treated everywhere in Germany. If there hadn't been drugs it would have been deja vu. When I finally decided I had enough of the Deustcher bedside manners someone came to my rescue. My husband also returned with a bag of my things and a phone charger a mile long. 

I had to schlep back to the ER with a duffle bag he had packed. I was not allowed to leave so he didn't provide me with my coat. Then another nurse came in and gave me two real Covid tests. Real as in the ones I had seen on TV in 2020 and had avoided this entire time. My mouth, nose and brain were all touched. But at least the pain had subsided and I was going to get brought up to a station for a bunch of tests. Finally someone came and collected my things but then walked at a pace I couldn't manage with an IV. She would stop every twenty steps and look back at me as if I was ruining her night. Germany is going to be Germany even in the hospital. And without a coat I couldn't go and I definitely couldn't run. The last straw was being brought into a room with other people and looking out the window at a thick blanket of snow. I was going to be here. I was going to ruin Christmas. I was going to miss out on all that feinkost food we just bought. I was going to be here forever eating abendessen. 

I realized so much laying in the hospital bed zwischen two unmasked invalids. Not only are German hospitals absolute fucking third world shitholes but they expect patients to take care of themselves at that. The reason I had walked all the way to the radiology department all by myself because there were no transporters. And when I walked back from the third sun there were wheelchairs but at cost. They were locked up like fucking Aldi carts. No one even offered one to my husband as I screamed out in pain. I even witnessed a woman in labor rolling her own carry on suitcase to deliver her baby. In my room, the invalids struggled to do everything from eating to getting up to pee. Because I was untethered the next day, I spent most of my time in a common area to avoid the death gurgles and possible infection I faced in that room. I know the room situation could have been avoided with the right insurance but I also think that isn't an option at the moment even if you are an elite. The halls were full of empty beds but there were no actual rooms. It wasn't anything like the news made it out to be. That could be because we are now in a small town or they may have been hiding them mayhem in another ward. But from my observations everything was so normal it was bad. And this town has a really nice hospital. But it was just full to the brim with people who hate their jobs and love taking it out on you.

I still don't have much insight as to what happened to me. The next afternoon, I had a nasty spat with the doctor. When I told him my Deutsch sprechen war schlimm he replied that his African was non existent in perfect English. Ever since that exchange where I educated him that I was not African and that it wasn't a fucking language either I only saw him in passing. I honestly would have left that cesspool a day earlier had he not been a xenophobic prick. I also imagined had I not asserted myself I would have been there through the New Year due to lack of respect as well as proper communication. He would have went home for baumkuchen and forgotten about every single one of us in that room. I felt awful leaving those old ladies behind but I was thankful to be free even without a clear explanation as to what was wrong. I mean I couldn't have anyone there to advocate or translate for me. And that whole discharge experience was another blog entry as the nurse assigned to me didn't believe my name was mine. And still without a winter coat I had to just endure the outright nonsense I was dealing with. 

It is terrible to regret getting help when you need it. In America, we don't want to think about the cost and how it will burden us or our families. Every time I wind up im Krankenhaus I imagine I am being kept for too long for too little. I mean I never actually get clarity on what happened or what is happening. In fact, they normally make things worse. German doctors are always trying to patch up the real problem while looking for another. And to be honest I would rather get symptomatic treatment and opioids than cheap herbal tea and judgement on what you think I may eat. Every time I am there I think that I made a mistake in coming. That I am being ignored. That I am being purposely mistreated. That I am being neglected at cost. That no one could think that maybe sick people don't have time or the resources to pack a bag. That maybe not everyone in pain has the mental capacity to remember grammatik. I used to think it was because I was Black. Then I thought oh it is because I look young. I used to think my wedding ring pulled weight but then they would mistake another man for my husband and communication would be fucked either way. It isn't language because the comment that doctor made just showed that educated and worldly people can be lazy. And looking around at the Omas in my room being treated just the same explained a lot. It was because we got ourselves in that predicament we deserved to be there. Funny how jails here have Christmas lights and hospital rooms lack soap. Just like everything else here the priorities are all mixed up. And no one knows why really but it is accepted and continues. Donors could help but Germans are cheap. Better pay might recruit better personnel but social jobs get social pay here. I am not asking for crunchy ice but isn't all that spĆ¼del wasser just as costly. So much doesn't make sense. It is like being in a fun house. Upside down and ass backwards. Sick and dizzy and in disbelief.